Keep those lines of communication with your kids open- even when it's tough!
@nautilusbehavioral
If you search for the term “co-parenting” in Google, you’ll find that it is almost exclusively used when two parents who are divorced or separated work together to raise child(ren). I guess the assumption is that if you live together and/or are married, it’s a given that you’ll be amicable and collaborative and will make decisions together about routines, schedules and larger issues. Those are, after all, the goals of successful “co-parenting” for divorced or separated parents. As pediatric psychologists, we’ve worked with many parents over the years and can confirm that co-parenting is a challenge for all parents, whether they are together or not. Granted, there are challenges faced by parents who are no longer together that can be major obstacles to co-parenting. But, parenting with another person is tough, even for parents who are together. So, why is co-parenting so difficult? Well, parenting itself is difficult. But aside from that, living with another person is hard. Sharing decision making with another person is hard. Being okay with things being done another way (i.e., not your way) is hard. I know there are couples who always get along, who never disagree, who are totally in sync and always have each other’s back…I mean, I know that in theory. I (Sarah) have known some truly amazing couples, both personally and professionally. But I don’t think I’ve ever met an always-on-the-same-page couple. Being part of a couple is messy, even for the best of couples. So, it isn’t just the “parenting” that makes co-parenting challenging. Don’t get me wrong- parenting is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done…but being married is a pretty close second. 😄So, the “co-” part of co-parenting can be a huge challenge. It can be tough to see our spouse or partner as equal partners with an equal say in parenting (and in other domains). How about we try something out? Think about your home and family and answer the following:
If you didn’t overthink it and you’re like every couple that I’ve ever met, I’m confident that you answered “me” to at least 1 question and “my spouse/partner” to at least 1 question. There may be some areas for which there isn’t a clear “person in charge.” But I’m guessing that there is a perception that 1 or the other of you is in charge of certain areas. Whether who’s in charge fits into stereotypical gender roles is neither here nor there. I’m not here to tell you who should be in charge. I’m just pointing out that even for those who strive for an “equal partnership,” it’s pretty impossible to share equal responsibility, power and decision making across domains. So, let’s turn back to parenting. There’s this idea that moms have a natural, instinctive ability to connect with their children and an innate knowledge of how to be a parent. And, there’s a related idea that dads are less involved—their roles may focus more on being the disciplinarian and breadwinner—and leave the raising and educating of the children to the moms. These ideas absolutely have historical roots: women weren’t (generally) allowed to work and in a “traditional” family, the man was “head of household”- the breadwinner, disciplinarian and ultimate decision maker. In reality these ideas create a framework for parenting that is a total set-up. They create a lose-lose parenting scenario and lead many parents to feel like there is something wrong with them. The fact is: not all moms feel an immediate connection to their child(ren) or know how to interact with their child(ren). And, I don’t know any moms who entered parenthood with exhaustive knowledge of how to be a parent. So, if you’re a mom who doesn’t have a primal connection to your child and a fundamental understanding of parenting, you may feel like a failure. At the same time, there are plenty of dads who share an immediate closeness with their child(ren). There are also a lot of dads who take to parenting and seem to know “what to do” as a parent. But, the aforementioned ideas about parenting don’t give dads room to share these strengths. These ideas about moms and dads also don’t encourage or allow moms and dads to share responsibilities and decision making as parents- they aren’t “co-parenting compatible.” Now, let’s get back to you. When you answered who’s in charge of parenting and homework/school, was it you? It wouldn’t be a surprise if it was. I mean, I’ve just described why we as women may feel a huge sense of responsibility to be “in charge” of the parent arena. But, guess what? I’m about to share something that will be both maddening and a huge relief. Seriously, I’m about to drop a knowledge bomb, but don’t blame the messenger. This information is so important that it’s going to get its own paragraph. Here it is… You are not your spouse’s/partner’s parent. AND, you are not your spouse’s/partner’s boss. You don’t need to be 100% in charge as a parent. You can share responsibility and decision making. Mind-blowing, right?! 🤯 There is, however, a catch. It’s actually not a small one either. Again, please don’t blame me- I just followed this idea through to its natural consequence: your partner/spouse is allowed to have ideas about parenting and gets to share in decision making. You won’t always get “your way” and can’t just boss around your partner/spouse. Which immediately made me think about the Rolling Stones. Now, I know some of our readers may be same-sex co-parents who are living together and/or married. Although the discussion about stereotypical gender roles for moms and dads doesn’t apply, each mom still has expectations about her role and about being “in charge” of certain areas. So, the importance of sharing in parent decision making and responsibility still applies. Initially, I thought that this week, you could talk with your partner/spouse about who you see as “in charge” of various areas of your shared lives, your expectations about yourselves as parents, how you co-parent and so on. But I don’t know if it’s a great idea for everyone. I mean, if you’re ready to dive in, then go for it. Maybe you need a little time to marinate on the idea that in order to co-parent with your partner/spouse, you’ll need to give up the possibility of always being in charge, always being right and always having things your way. Not that I think you’re a control freak or some child who’s going to have a tantrum if you don’t get your way! 😊 But I do think it might be a good idea to mull over what it would be like to truly share the parent decision making and responsibility with your partner/spouse. What’s your initial gut reaction to the idea? What are the pros and cons? Sorting out how you feel about things before you bring the discussion to your partner/spouse will ensure that you can be thoughtful, articulate and open-minded when you do bring this up to your partner/spouse. Reach out and tell us how you feel about co-parenting as an equal partnership by clicking the link or emailing us at web@nautilusbehavioralhealth.com!
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Yes, you read that title correctly. And, no, I did not make a spelling error. You undoubtedly remember your teachers doing a roll call in class each morning. I (Sarah) was curious where that term came from…I am happy to report that I did not go down a rabbit hole- I valued my free time (and writing this blog) more than satisfying my at-times-unnecessary curiosity. Instead, I did a quick (less than 5 minute) Google search and learned the following. A roll is a list of names; the term “roll call” historically described written documents that could be rolled up. So, a roll call is a scroll with names on it. But, enough about word origins. Instead of talking about a list of names, I want to talk about the list of roles that you have. So, I am legitimizing the term “role call.” That’s right, we’re making it a thing. Because I’m confident that you have a long list of roles, some of which you may not even recognize as “official” roles. That doesn’t mean they aren’t roles. It just means you aren’t necessarily aware of the fact that you wear these additional “hats,” so to speak. Consider the following: it’s Sunday afternoon. You’re making lists for grocery shopping and errands. One of your children has a science fair project due on Friday. He needs to create a poster board describing his project, which will be an erupting volcano…he has no idea how to create a working volcano, mind you. Your other child has karate tomorrow and brings her normally white uniform to you…the shirt is covered in fruit punch and the knees and hems of her pants are grimy with dirt. Just then, you notice that the family’s pet fish is sitting on the bottom of the tank listlessly. This evening, while your husband is tackling yard work, you’re planning to make dinner. Oh- and you need to write the family’s events for the week on the board in the kitchen, so you and your husband know who is responsible for what when. You also want to tidy up since it’s tough to do that during the week. Big sigh. That sounds exhausting…and sort of like a typical Sunday afternoon. Now for the fun part. Let’s do a role call for this scenario. Read it again and see how many roles you identify. Here’s what we came up with:
Okay…we came up with 12 roles in that scenario. Is that surprising? How many roles did you identify? We’ll admit that some of these roles may involve other roles on the list. For example, as a housekeeper, you may cook meals and do laundry. But we think that when you’re functioning in a particular capacity, it’s important to formally identify each and every one of those specific roles. Why? It will help you have a clearer picture of which (and how many) “hats” you wear and how much you actually have on your plate. Keep in mind that outside of the first 2 roles, which are relational in nature, every other role on the list is actually a job for which people are paid. Don’t get us wrong- being a mom and being a wife are incredibly demanding…they’re likely the most demanding… but they aren’t jobs for which people get paid. So, now it’s time for you to do your very own role call. We know that you are so much more than a [fill in the blank with whatever role pops into mind first]. We know that you are busy! We also know that you probably beat yourself up for not getting things done or for dropping the ball or feeling tired or getting overwhelmed. But what if you are [not getting things done/dropping the ball/feeling tired/getting overwhelmed] because you are filling a lot of roles that that you don’t even realize. There’s no way for you to plan and schedule and create a life that’s organized and has minimal stress (because stress-free is impossible) if you don’t know what is actually on your plate. Do your own role call and be prepared to be in awe of yourself. We think you’ll be blown away by all that you do AND all the roles you fill that you don’t even take credit for. Maybe it’s time to start patting yourself on the back…it’s always a good time to recognize your Momcomplishments! Recognize all of the hats that you wear in life. Give yourself credit for being so amazing!
Reach out and tell us how many roles you fill and any roles that surprised you by clicking the link or emailing us at web@nautilusbehavioralhealth.com! Click here for a printable version of the post. |
Welcome!Feel free to peruse our blog and see what Sarah and Lisa had to say about topics related to your needs as a busy parent. We will talk about everything from parenting values, to life hacks, to realistic self-care. Archives
August 2023
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