Sarah here. True confession: I love watching TV. I don’t understand watching endless Youtube videos for entertainment. But I love me some syndicated TV on cable or on a streaming service. I love watching comedies, enjoy ridiculously bad “reality TV” and occasionally get into more serious shows. As a kid, I spent countless hours playing video games and even now, I spend downtime playing Animal Crossing. I love being able to learn new skills and look up random facts online. I frequently go down the Google search rabbit hole. So, at the front end, I want to make it clear that I’m not anti-screen time- TV, video games, podcasts, audiobooks, online tutorials, internet searching…I’m a fan.  
 
I’m also a pediatric psychologist. In my work, I see firsthand the interpersonal, emotional and behavioral dysfunction that can arise due to youth technology-use. In 2016, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released guidelines about children’s screen time, recommending:

• No screen time under 18 months of age
• Minimal educational-only programming for 18-24-month-olds
• One hour per day for children 2 to 5 years of age
• A balance between electronics-use and other healthy behaviors for school-aged children and adolescents to ensure that technology does not hinder sleep or physical activity

            
Research suggests that technology exposure can impact social development, emotional and behavioral functioning and brain development. Yep- you read that right. There is some research that suggests microstructural differences can occur in the brains of young children with more than the recommended amounts of screen time. While there isn’t a causal link and it’s a complex issue, these neural differences could mean issues with language, literacy skills, and executive functioning (Hutton, Dudley, Horowitz-Kraus et al, 2020). Suffice it to say, screen time can be a major source of stress for families in the best of times.     
 
Right now, millions of parents all over the country are trying desperately to work from home while simultaneously educating their children. 

All jokes aside, just yesterday, I spoke with a superstar on-top-of-everything mom in my neighborhood who now wakes up at 5 AM to get work done before her kids are awake. She said she deserved the worst teacher award for the day because in a stressful day of back-to-back phone calls and non-stop work, her young kids were largely doing school on their own while both she and her husband worked. Did she feel great about it? Nope. Is she dropping the ball? Not by a long shot. What made it possible for this family to survive the day? What allowed both parents to work while their young kiddos were occupied with school (and undoubtedly a little entertainment)? That’s right- technology. The very thing that can create so many problems is the thing that helped this family get through the day! 
 
Right now, school relies heavily on videos and computer-based games, learning tools and lessons. Even for kindergarteners. Technology is the thing that helps give parents a sense of direction as we try to fumble our way towards the end of the school year. It’s also the thing making it possible for so many adults to work from home. And, the thing that allows teachers to provide instruction, even to young students. Screen time is a vital part of work and school. 
 
Screen time is also vital to our SANITY. Look up screen time and COVID-19 on Google and you’ll see lots of articles about how screen time is essential. Right now, we are all in this bizarre, surreal situation riddled with anxiety, health and financial concerns, and physical and social isolation. Unanticipated stress and transitions have been thrown at people left and right. Everyone is stuck at home together and uncertain when this will be over. Kids, teens and adults are dealing with far more stress than usual. They need help coping. They need to have fun, normalcy and dare I say, escape.
 
Enter technology. It’s the thing that allows us to stay connected with family and friends. It’s the thing that gives our kids interaction with their friends and classmates. And, it’s the thing that provides ENDLESS hours of entertainment in the form of movies, TV shows, videos, video games, podcasts, e-books, audiobooks, blogs…it’s fun for all! So, it’s okay that we are relying more heavily on it right now. Seriously. It’s okay. 

Don’t want to take my word for it? No worries. It just so happens that I did a quick literature review about this topic…guess where? Online. Using technology. A review of a large body of research suggests lower well-being in kids and teens who don’t use technology or who use too much technology (Kardefelt-Winther, 2017). Further, UNICEF’s 2019 report (Livingstone, Kardefelt-Winther & Hussein) concluded that adverse consequences of child technology were more related to what children do online rather than the amount of time they spend online. 
 
So…what does all of this mean? Here are a few things to consider as you navigate screen time: 

1. School relies on technology, so school-related screen time doesn’t “count” as “screen time.” 
2. Socializing responsibly may rely more heavily on use of screen time due to stay-at-home orders and social distancing.
3. Know your kids- if they can’t handle extra screen time because it’s already a problem area or a source of conflict, then do your best to maintain consistent minimal access. 
4. More screen time doesn’t mean anything goes! The rules don’t change for what your kids are allowed to watch, what video games they’re allowed to play and what social media platforms (if any) they’re allowed to use.
5. More screen time doesn’t mean continuous screen time. Have your kids alternate between electronic and non-electronic activities. They may not want to, but it’ll make it easier to get them to unplug if they take breaks throughout the day!  
6. More screen time doesn’t mean becoming a couch potato! Running around outside, playing catch or soccer, going for a bike ride or having a dance party at home are great ways to burn off some energy. There are also plenty of video games, apps and websites that are free (for now or on an ongoing basis) and can support physical activity, including:  
   1. GoNoodle: Good Energy at Home 
   2. Hy-Vee KidsFit at Home
   3. Cosmic Kids Yoga
7. You need to get stuff done! It’s okay for your kids to use screen time and technology so you can do work, keep the house running or have a moment to yourself! Here are some free resources that could come in handy:
   1. PBS Kids Video app and Games app has lots for your little ones to do
   2. BrainPop/BrainPop, Jr: Educational lessons, games and videos, offering a free trial
   3. Prime Video and Audible (audiobooks) have free kids’ content available
   4. AirConsole is offering free access to console-free video games  
   5. Apple Podcasts and other apps provide free access to kid-friendly series, like Stories 
   6. Cards Against Humanity Family Edition is offering a free download, so your older kids can print and play the PG version of the game
8. Encourage your kids to do other things. There are many things that your kids can do at home that don’t involve technology.   

​Remember that it’s not necessarily the amount of screen time that’s problematic- it’s what your kids are doing while using technology. So, do you need to watch your kids (of any age) like a hawk and micromanage all of their access to technology? That would defeat the purpose, right? But there has to be some oversight- you need to know what your kids are watching and playing as well as who they’re interacting with (and by what means of communication). Screen time can offer a great escape and it’s okay if you and your family are relying more heavily technology as a distraction and coping strategy right now. Just make sure that you have other strategies and supports in your coping arsenal and hang in there!

​Sarah here. Last week, I decided to make a Target run. I thought I was being fairly responsible- getting everything I needed in 1 strategic trip so I could avoid shopping in the coming days. I am definitely not a sit-around-and-do-nothing kind of girl. So, I was sort of happy to be out in the world- I even put on a little makeup. Imagine my surprise when I walked down an aisle and a woman wearing an N-95/respirator mask saw me coming then dove to the side, eyes wide with panic. Did I forget to mention that I have 2 heads, was hacking my lungs out and looked like an extra from The Walking Dead? Oh wait…none of those things are true! And, I knew that none of those things were true. But I did feel a little self-conscious…I mean, at least 95% of all particles should be filtered by her mask yet she avoided me like the plague. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I’d cleared my throat…maybe she would’ve run away screaming?

Yes, this is something that actually happened last week. But it was an exchange between adults…well, it wasn’t so much an exchange as a desperate attempt to avoid an exchange…But, I’m an adult. I understand what’s going on in the world right now. I understand how viruses are spread and know about germ hygiene. What’s more, I have good social skills and am a clinical psychologist, so I understand human emotions and behavior and am relatively unphased by what people do and say…even when it’s off-putting or unexpected. I didn’t take it personally- I knew it was more about her than it was about me. 

Now, instead of 2 adults, imagine that the exchange was between 2 kids- let’s call them Breanna and Amanda. What might that look like? Maybe Breanna would yell angrily at Amanda to “stay away from me!” and keep her germs away. Maybe Amanda would intentionally get in Breanna’s face just to annoy her (effectively sharing her germs with Breanna). Or, maybe Amanda would be confused about why Breanna said she had germs. Maybe Amanda would run away crying because her feelings were hurt. What do you think would happen later when Breanna went home and told her parents what happened? Would they praise her for what she did and said? 
 
We have no idea exactly how that hypothetical exchange would go. But I’m guessing you can easily imagine something like this happening, and you can also imagine the ways that parents’ and kids’ germ safety efforts might backfire. Maybe you’ve even witnessed or heard about an exchange like this happening between kids. I know I have. As parents, it’s our job to protect our kids and as adults, it’s our responsibility to change our actions to try to keep everyone safe and healthy right now. But even as we try to protect our families and be socially responsible in our actions, it’s important that we are aware of what we are modeling for our children. 
 
Teaching our kids to be safe is important. But there are lots of ways to be safe right now. While there are local, state and federal COVID-19 guidelines in place, and national and international recommendations available based on scientific data, the details of exactly how to follow the rules are still a bit fuzzy. That means that you need to decide exactly what being safe and following the rules looks like in your family. This is something for parents to think through together before talking with kids. How much interaction do you want your family to have with the outside world while under stay-at-home orders? What are you and aren’t you okay with? 
 
Think about likely situations that may arise even as you attempt to socially distance. Seeing the neighbors walking their dog or running into friends playing outside may be more common right now, since people are more likely to be home. How do you want to handle these situations? Are you okay with neighborly interactions outside, assuming that you can socially distance? Are you comfortable with your child playing with friends outside, inside or both? What about interactions outside of the neighborhood? Some families are using delivery services for all of their basic necessities, while others are limiting shopping trips and still others go shopping frequently to have something to do. 
 
You’ll also need to think through how you want to communicate with your kids about germs, social distancing and stay-at-home orders. As the days and weeks pass by, kids and adults are becoming increasingly frustrated by their social isolation and may feel increasingly desperate for interaction with the outside world. Think about how you want to deal with the pleas, whining and meltdowns that may arise. And, consider how you want to address your kids’ inevitable frustrations with “germs,” handwashing and social distancing.  
 
Remember that you’ll need to explicitly talk with your family about COVID-19, germs, hand hygiene, what your kids are and aren’t allowed to do, how to practice polite social distancing and what to say and do in different situations that may arise. If you don’t have these direct conversations, your kids will likely make decisions based in part on what other people around them are doing and saying. Yes, that means you and your family. But it also means that your kids may look to the other people they interact with in the world. And, I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter to model after the woman who treated me like a pariah in Target! 
 
It isn’t always fun to be responsible and it would definitely be easier to be oblivious to our impact on each other and the world. While the current pandemic has turned our lives upside down in so many ways, it is also giving parents lots of opportunities to think about what they want to teach their kids. Each day holds experiences (and stressors) that will allow parents to model for their children. And, since parents have way more time at home with their kids, they have more chances to practice communicating effectively. And, if that isn’t an amazing reframe on this whole situation, well, I don’t know what is. 😄      

Hi, all! Lisa here. Sarah and I are going to be coming to you twice a week for a little while with posts to help you get through these unusual and often frustrating times. Today we’re going to talk about how to manage the frustration (irritation, anger, fury) you might be feeling with all the changes and new ways of doing things. 
 
How many times over the last few weeks have you heard, said, or thought any of the following?

• This isn’t working!!/Why won’t this work?!!/This should be working!!
• I can’t get online!
• I can’t do this!
• I don’t have…!
• Why do I have to do this?!
• I quit!
• I give up!
• AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 
Yep, these are the cries being heard around the country as we all try to live our lives online. It would be great if we were all able to make the transition smoothly. But, *sigh*, that’s not real life. In real life, the internet is spotty, everyone is in each other’s space, your kids don’t want to do their work, you’re having trouble getting organized and keeping to a schedule, and you have to figure out how to work from home and meet all of the ongoing demands in the other areas of your life. Any one of these things alone could be a source of frustration. With everything happening all at once, some things are bound to go wrong and frustration is a natural response when it does. 
 
Unfortunately, staying frustrated isn’t going to help you get anything done. Figuring out ways to manage your frustration is especially important right now when there are so many changes and so much uncertainty.

A good place to start is with your overall mindset. In your regular life, you had a routine, you could predict most roadblocks and you could set things up to avoid them. There were fewer unexpected frustrations, so it was easier to keep frustration manageable. It’s a lot harder to go with the flow with so many things changing so quickly. But there are some key mindset shifts that are important. 

1. Flexibility: Life is different for everyone right now. There are a lot of competing demands all day long. Maintaining a flexible attitude will allow you to more easily make shifts when things need to change or when they do not go as planned. 
2. Anticipation: You might not be able to anticipate all the things that might go wrong or throw off your schedule, but you can be pretty sure that something might not go the way you expect. Instead of giving in to the frustration, anticipate that things might not work the way you need them to. For instance, when you’re helping your kids log on to participate in their lessons, anticipate that the technology might not work smoothly. Remind yourself that even within your neighborhood or school district, thousands of people are using the internet and using the same platforms at the same time. This is not to say that you should become a giant pessimist and automatically assume nothing will work. But when you are able to accept that things are not always going to go smoothly, you will become less frustrated when problems come up. Hint, hint: This kind of anticipation also helps you become more flexible. 
3. Accepting what you actually control: If you’re noticing nothing else, it’s probably become incredibly apparent that you have less control over things than you thought you did. Right now, outside circumstances are dictating how we live, learn, work, and communicate. We have very little choice in the matter. As a woman who has been the one in charge of so many things, this realization may leave you reeling a bit. Here’s the thing. Your level of control is the same as it was before. You’ve always only really been in control of yourself. While you’ve been able to select your situations (your job, partner/spouse, where you live, etc.), you’re not actually in control of any those things. Instead, you’ve adapted your skills to the situations you’ve selected. You’ve done a great job of guiding and encouraging others and arranging schedules and situations to help things run as smoothly as possible. But the truth is that you didn’t actually have control over those situations and you definitely didn’t have control over the people around you, you just felt like you did. In this new reality, it will be helpful to recognize that while you can’t control the overall situation, you can still use your skills to organize, motivate, and encourage your family members, your (virtual) co-workers, and others to accomplish the things that need to be done. 

 
Speaking of getting things done, adjusting your mindset is just the first step. You also need strategies to help you manage your frustration when things don’t go as planned. Remember, you’re going to feel frustrated or even angry, and that’s okay as long as you don’t get stuck there. There are some simple things you can do to help yourself when emotions are getting out of control. 

1. Deep breathing: Yes, I know this one seems almost too simple. Sometimes simple is best. It’s not possible for our bodies to be both agitated and calm at the same time. If you can calm your body down, you have a better chance to calm your mind and your emotions. So, when you can’t get on the internet or your kids have gotten into one too many arguments and you’ve had enough, take a few deep breaths before you act. Now, I mean true deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose and fill up your lungs, sending air into your diaphragm. Hold it for a second or two and then breathe out through your mouth, like you’re blowing bubbles. It often helps to close your eyes while you do this. 
2. Take a break: Yes, you have a schedule to keep and a mile-long to do list. But, if things aren’t working and you (and maybe everyone else around you) are feeling frustrated, it may be a great time to take a break. Breaks don’t have to be long. Sometimes, a few minutes is all you need. Something as brief as a bathroom break or a few minutes of stretching or physical activity can do wonders for your mood. When you return to the task, you’re calmer and can approach things in a more productive way. 
3. Re-evaluate: Sometimes our frustration is telling us that something doesn’t or can’t be done. On Tuesday, Sarah talked about adjusting your expectations. If something just isn’t working despite your best efforts, it’s a great time to decide if it’s critical to get it done. If not, just move on to the next thing. If it does need to get done, like a deadline for work or an important school assignment, see suggestions 1 and 2. Once you’ve calmed yourself, see if the task can be accomplished another way or at a different time. 
4. Ask for help: If you’ve been reading our blog for a while, you know asking for help is something we talk about a lot. You are amazing, but you can’t do everything. Talk to your partner about dividing up responsibilities. Talk to your kids about helping out a little (or a lot) more. Delegate what you can to your co-workers. Ask your community for help when you need it. It’s okay to lean on your supports. We all need that during this time more than ever. 
5. Self-care: Right now, self-care may feel like it’s low on your list. We’ve already done a whole blog about this, so I will spare you my entire self-care lecture for today (if you want some easy self-care ideas, see our blog post “Take Care of You” from 2/11/2020). I will just remind you that if you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else. Self-care is especially important in times of higher stress. Even doing small things to care for yourself makes a big difference for your physical and mental health. When you take care of yourself, you’re better able to implement the suggestions for managing your frustration. 

 
So, that’s all for today. I hope you’ll use some of these tips in your day-to-day life. Remember, frustration is normal. You can also anticipate and manage it so that you can still do what you need to do and be the amazing woman you’ve always been.

You've got this!

Reach out and tell us how you manage frustration by clicking the link or emailing us at web@nautilusbehavioralhealth.com
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Click here for a printable version of this post.​

​As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look.