Keep those lines of communication with your kids open- even when it's tough!
@nautilusbehavioral
Lisa here. Does it feel like you need to get things right the first time? Or that you should’ve reached your goal by now? Does the fear of not being perfect stop you from trying things? These are very common worries that Sarah and I help our patients with every day. It can often feel like everyone around you has it all together. You may see other people making strides in their careers while you feel like you’ve stalled. Or maybe you see other parents enjoying great relationships with their kids, while you and your kids can’t seem to stop arguing. You see other families with happy, well-adjusted kids while yours are struggling in school or with peers. Part of this is because often people only share the parts of their lives that are going well. Most people do not broadcast it to the neighbors when they get passed over for a promotion or post online about their 9 millionth argument with their kids about cleaning their room. Unless they’re teaching someone how to do something, most people don’t share the journey of how they achieved something great or made something interesting. They just show the final product. The other issue that hangs people up is focusing on the wrong thing. Yes, the final goal is what you are working toward, but if you only focus on that you are more likely to get in your head and start second guessing yourself. If you struggle with perfectionism, focusing only on the goal is more likely to trigger worries about getting things “right” or being “perfect.” As you know, these kinds of worries can be paralyzing. Here's what’s important to remember - the things that really matter usually take hard work and do not happen overnight. Perfection is unattainable and is an unhelpful ideal that does not allow for the natural process of growth. So, perfectionism isn’t a helpful goal. Progress requires messy action. Whenever we are working toward a goal, whether it’s a goal in your career, in school, or as a parent, we try things, we make mistakes, we hopefully learn from our mistakes and then we try again. The more we do this, the more we grow and change. You aren’t going to be a perfect parent, friend, partner, or coworker – those only exist on Pinterest! Instead, you’re going to be human – imperfect and messy, but also open to learning and putting yourself out there even when you’re uncertain. Remember that each tiny step, no matter how insignificant it may seem, is moving you closer to where you want to go. This is not just an important lesson for you, it’s also a vital lesson for your kids to learn. If you and your kids keep plugging away at what is important to you, things will get better. The trick is sticking with it! Rather than shooting for perfection, why not aim for growth? Learn something from your mistakes & apply that knowledge moving forward. Before you know it, you’ll reach the goals you’ve been working toward. And in the meantime, life will feel better when you learn to appreciate the process.
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Sarah here. We hope that you enjoyed last week’s blog on mindful content consumption. This week, rather than focusing on applying mindfulness to behaviors, we’re discussing how to apply mindfulness to specific inner experiences. We know that a lot of parents struggle with parent guilt. We thought we’d focus on one common source of parent guilt today: guilt about downtime. Be honest: do you ever feel like you should be doing something else (other than relaxing) during downtime? Something from your to-do list, something for your family, some project or major undertaking? If you do, you’re not alone. Time and time again, parents put their partners, their families, their jobs, and their homes ahead of themselves. Don’t get us wrong- taking care of others is a beautiful thing. But so is leisure time. Remember that spending time doing things you genuinely enjoy is important. Investing in yourself is essential to your wellbeing. You can’t pour from an empty cup- you have to replenish your resources. And regardless of whether you spend downtime on your own or with people you care about, downtime isn’t just allowed- it’s necessary. So, here’s where the mindfulness practice comes in. First, we’re going to focus on a prospective mindfulness exercise- one that you can try right now, before the downtime. I want you take a few grounding breaths just to make sure you’re focused on this exercise. Think about taking time off so you can focus on leisure and self-care. What thoughts or feelings arise when you consider downtime? Does the thought of taking time away from responsibilities create any tension or guilt or stress for you? If so, that’s okay. Those feelings aren’t bad- they’re just the ones that may show up automatically for you in this situation. Do you notice the same thoughts and feelings when thinking about spending downtime on your own as you do when thinking about spending downtime with family or friends? It’s possible that these scenarios may feel different to you and if they do, that’s okay. Just notice your reactions without judgment. Now we don’t just want you to imagine downtime. We want you to actually take the downtime. If you notice that you’re feeling tense or stressed or guilty or something else unpleasant, see if you can notice your thoughts and feelings and then shift your focus back to what you’re doing. Use your mindfulness skills to really dig into your current experience. Notice what you’re seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and/or tasting. If you’re with others, notice how it feels to do things you love with people you love. And if negative thoughts or feelings show up again, just acknowledge them and redirect your attention to what you’re doing. Remember: if you’re taking the time, you might as well be present and actually enjoy it!
Lisa here. I hope last week’s blog helped you add more mindfulness practice to your life. This week, we’re again focusing on consumption, but this time we’re talking about consumption of content instead of food. Every day, we’re bombarded with content, whether it’s from TV, our phones, or other people. Although we don’t have a say in all the content that’s out there, we can control a lot of what we take in. We can even select content that boosts or creates a certain mood. Our moods are responsive to our context- that includes the media content we consume. Music, shows, movies, podcasts, video games, art. When we engage with particular content at a particular time, it can evoke an emotional response. I’m sure you’ve experienced this at some point in your life. Have you ever chosen a song or a movie based on your mood? For example, maybe you felt like you needed a good cry, or you were feeling down & you chose a sad movie or that one song that always makes you cry. Sometimes we don’t realize the ways certain content affects us. Have you ever noticed your mood shift after you have been watching or listening to something for a while? I’m a big fan of podcasts, but there are some that, although I enjoy the content, I can’t listen to very often because they worsen my mood. There are others that are my go-to mood boosters. The tricky part here is that we often are unaware of the effect of content on our mood right away because the shift is gradual. Those podcasts that worsen my mood are not negative. They’re not sharing upsetting content. But there’s something about them that makes me feel worse when I listen for too long. So, those get removed from the rotation. Here’s where mindfulness comes in. When we are mindful of our moods in general, we are also more mindful of changes in our mood. Pay attention to how the content you take in affects your mood, either positively or negatively. Your emotional response to content may be pretty straightforward- content may be interesting or uplifting, it could be boring, it could inspire introspection or social comparison, etc. Your emotional response to content may also be more complex. You could find certain content both interesting and depressing, both engaging and stressful. For many people, preferred content creates varied emotional responses. Everyone is different so, not surprisingly, different people have different emotional responses to a particular piece of content. For instance, there may be a show that everyone you know thinks is hilarious and you might find it annoying. The trick is to know how you respond emotionally to certain content. You can then shift your mood by adjusting the content you’re consuming. You may find that some content needs to be cut out entirely because of its effect on your mood. But most of the time, you can make some adjustments to how and when you consume content. It may be that some content, while highly interesting, leaves you feeling bad. So, limit your exposure to that content (in other words- no binging) or follow it up with something lighter or more uplifting. Or you may only listen to that content at certain times of day, like during downtime in the afternoon rather than right before bed. You may also take breaks from certain content for periods of time. For instance, you may take a break from social media, or you may decide not to watch a particular show for a few weeks. Try this strategy over the next couple weeks. First, take in content as you normally would (TV, movies, podcasts, music, social media, etc.). But, as you engage with the content notice how you feel and whether the content helps you feel better, makes you feel worse, or if you selected the content based on the mood you were already in. Then, start making little changes to your content consumption. If content makes you feel bad, make adjustments- either stop consuming that content, reduce your consumption, or play with the timing of when you take in that content. And then see how you feel. More mindful content consumption can be a component in your overall self-care and in your mindfulness practice.
**Note that this strategy is most useful for managing less persistent mood issues and for boosting your mood when you need it. When people have persistent mood episodes, this strategy could be 1 small component that’s utilized, but it certainly would not be a primary intervention. |
Welcome!Feel free to peruse our blog and see what Sarah and Lisa had to say about topics related to your needs as a busy parent. We will talk about everything from parenting values, to life hacks, to realistic self-care. Archives
August 2023
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Conveniently located in Mandarin
Serving Duval, St. Johns and the surrounding counties |
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Address12412 San Jose Blvd.
Suite 203 Jacksonville, FL 32223 |
Telephone904-432-3321
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