Theodore Roosevelt made a great point in the above quote. Every week, I talk with kids, teens and young adults who have no idea how amazing they are. I hear variations of “I know I get good grades, but I’m not that smart” and “I’m not as good as one of my teammates, so it means that I’m not good at this.”  This is from kids who are in advanced classes, get great grades, are outstanding athletes, are talented artists, etc.
 
So, what is going on?!

One of the things I consistently hear from these kids is some form of comparison to other people. It’s very all or nothing thinking- if they’re not the best or if they make a mistake (ever), then they’re no good and all their talents are meaningless. This often results in them brushing off compliments or even arguing when someone points out something they’ve done well. 
 
The other thing I hear all the time from these kids is the feeling that if they acknowledge their talents, they are somehow bragging or are not being humble. Saying that they’re great at something literally feels like they’re doing something wrong. 
 
Sound familiar? Do your kids have a hard time recognizing their greatness? Do they constantly compare themselves to others? When they do show some pride in themselves, have you heard other people (maybe even yourself) tell them not to brag?
 
Now, I’m not encouraging kids to become arrogant or overconfident or to ignore their faults. But I am encouraging them to embrace all the wonderful things about themselves. 

As a parent, how do you help?
 
First, give your kids lots of encouragement and show pride in their abilities and in who they are as people. Give compliments! I’m sure you do this already, but many parents (and people in general) fall into the habit of focusing mainly on outcomes and accomplishments because those are the things that stand out most. It’s also important to praise the personal characteristics that you like about your kids. Those are often the hardest things for them to recognize in themselves. Go beyond descriptors like kind and caring. Really think about what makes your kids great people and then tell them about those qualities- often. 
 
Second, help your kids practice patting themselves on the back. When they’ve accomplished something, get them to talk about what they did well and what they bring to the table. Get them used to talking about their strengths. It’s not bragging to talk about what you’re good at. Humility is great, but not at the expense of your kids’ self-esteem. 

Third, avoid comparisons. It can be really, really difficult not to compare your kids to other kids or to each other. You probably won’t be able to stop yourself from making comparisons in your head but avoid saying them out loud. Trust me, your kids are already getting lots of practice comparing themselves to others, they don’t need help doing it more. When your kids do talk about themselves in comparison to others, listen closely to see what they’re actually saying. If they’re using comparison to set goals or improve their own performance (e.g., “James beat me in that race, but I’m practicing every day to get faster”; “Nadia came in first at the science fair. Next year, I’ll do some extra research so that I can win first place!”), that can be helpful and act as motivation for to improve or to learn new skills. 
 
However, if the comparisons they are making lead them to devalue their own abilities (e.g., “James beat me in that race, so I stink at track”; “Nadia came in first place at the science fair. I’m never going to be smart like she is.”), then that’s where you intervene. When your kids make unhelpful comparisons, redirect their attention to their own strengths- ask them questions and get them to tell you what they do well or what was great about how they performed on whatever task they’re talking about. Alternately, get them to talk about their effort or preparation. Are they actually great at science but they waited to do their project until the night before? If so, then they need to recognize that they’re awesome at science. They also just learned that waiting until the last minute may hinder their ability to demonstrate their knowledge and skills. The conversation shifts from a broad, false statement about ability to a discussion of how to best highlight their skills in the future. It helps the most if they come up with this information themselves, but if they’re struggling to do so you can help them out by pointing out what you noticed and getting them to talk about those things. 
 
As you might expect based on our other posts, one final thing you can do is model this type of behavior for your kids. If they see and hear you appreciating your strengths, it won’t seem like a strange thing for them to do for themselves. When someone gives you a compliment, let your kids see you accept it gracefully without brushing it off. When you’ve done a good job, let your kids see your excitement and pride in yourself. Seeing you do these things will let your kids know it’s okay to embrace their greatness. 

How do you help your kids embrace their greatness? How do you embrace yours? Leave a comment below, click this link or email us at [email protected].

Click here for a printable version of this post.
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As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look.​​​

Sarah here. Since September, our blog has focused on various aspects of social interactions, some of which have been impacted by COVID-19 and face masks. A few weeks ago, Lisa shared ideas for being your kids’ relationship coach (Get in the Game, Coach!). Today, I’m focusing on a related topic: how making friends varies based on developmental stage. I hope that it’ll get you thinking about your own experiences growing up with peers and help provide some perspective on what your kids’ social landscape may feel like. Armed with your memories, I hope that you’ll be able to empathize with your kids about their social experiences and will be an even better relationship coach for them.
 
Depending on who you are, what you do, the age of your kids and your own interpersonal style, you may or may not spend much time thinking about striking up conversations or making friends. But, take a minute to think about your own experiences initiating conversations and making friends as a kid, as a teen, as a young adult and as an adult. Was there a point at which it felt easier or harder to start conversations with strangers? How about to meet new people or make friends? Now think about how you went about these social endeavors. Did someone explicitly teach you how to initiate conversations, engage others and/or make friends?
 
These are issues that Lisa and I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about and talking about with patients of all ages and their families. The sticking points and issues that arise differ depending on age, developmental stage and phase of life. Think about little kids: they may be “shy” and may avoid interacting with strangers. Some toddlers may be fearful of adults but may readily engage with their peers, while others are slower to warm up to everyone.

Some elementary school-aged kids make friends everywhere they go. At this age, “making friends” may be as easy as walking up to someone new on the playground. Case in point: this weekend, a little girl approached my daughter and announced, “I like Ariel!” to which my daughter replied, “I like Ariel, too.” The little girl exclaimed, “We both like Ariel!” and that was it. They were friends- at least for the afternoon. It doesn’t necessarily take a lot to talk to other kids or make friends for younger kids- sometimes all that is required is being at the right place at the right time. Friendships may not be long lasting or deep, but they’re still enjoyable.

​As kids get older, making friends feels different. Friendship takes on a different meaning and kids become more aware of social norms. At this age, making friends may take more time and may revolve around a shared interest or activity. Older elementary- to middle school-aged kids may be more likely to struggle with feeling left out or may avoid initiating or engaging in social situations based on perceptions about feeling “awkward” or “embarrassed.”  

​Since many kids have figured out what activities they enjoy by high school, these interests become a natural place to make or strengthen friendships. Electives, extracurricular activities and part-time jobs can be great for socializing, since teens often spend a fair amount of time doing these things. While teens may be somewhat established socially, they may unexpectedly find themselves isolated if they begin moving in a different direction than their friends or if their friends make new friends or begin dating. I’ve worked with teens who were happy to keep fishing or playing videogames with friends, but found their friends had “moved on” to other interests, like going to parties or vaping, which effectively ended the relationships. I’ve also worked with teens who wound up being the third wheel when their friends got boyfriends. 

​For many older teens to 20 somethings, the next chapter of life may involve starting over. They may be moving away and attending a different college than their friends. They may be working or training in a trade while their friends go to college. Or, they may be in the same place as their high school friends and discover that those BFFs were actually BFFNs (Best Friends for Now). At any rate, this age range often involves meeting new people and making friends. 

Remember how I asked you to think about your own experiences making friends? Try to think about the good and bad experiences. Remember what it was like to fall flat socially (assuming that you—like most adults—have had some social misfires). What situations were tough for you? Starting up a conversation with strangers? Knowing how to respond when someone else tried to talk to you? Transitioning from being classmates to being actual outside-of-school friends? Setting aside time to do things with friends? Making friends once you no longer had an easy built-in reason for making friends (like being in the same class or playing the same sport)? 
 
The good and bad thing about being an adult is that hopefully you are more comfortable in your own skin, you know who you are and what you like. Hopefully you also can look back at your younger self with compassion and a sense of humor. When it comes to helping your kids with their social relationships, their developmental perspective is key. You know what’s hard about making and maintaining friendships for yourself right now, as an adult. You may not remember what life felt like- what was important to you, your strengths and weaknesses and how it felt to make friends- when you were 8 or 14 years old. You also don’t know what it’s like to make friends as an 8- or 14-year-old right now. In 2020. With the Internet. And social media. Even though I talk to kids of all ages every day, I really have no clue what it feels like to be in school (physically or virtually) right now, dealing with COVID-19 restrictions and trying to make friends or sustain relationships. 
 
When it comes to friends, I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have a major academic, social and life transitional year right now- starting Kindergarten, attending 1st grade, 6th or 7th grade, 8th or 9th grade, 12th grade, or being a college Freshman or Senior. There are lots of ways that people’s lives have been seriously affected by the events of 2020. Kids of all ages are having an ongoing experience of 2020, too. Based on your kids’ developmental stage, who they are and where they’re at socially, their lives may feel disproportionately impacted by this year. 
 
So, what does this mean for you as a parent and as your kids’ relationship coach? A lot of the standard advice and relationship coaching we may give to kids at different time points just doesn’t apply right now. For example, before the school year started, I bought lunchbox notes for my daughter, to encourage her to practice reading. I quickly realized that 1 pack of notes wasn’t usable this year, since it includes stuff like, “Share your school supplies,” “Give a friend a high five when passing them” and “Sit and eat lunch with someone who is eating alone.” Regardless of your personal feelings about COVID-19 or the resulting school and social distancing restrictions, it doesn’t make sense to advise a child to do these things right now. Similarly, I work with multiple young adults who started college this Fall and advising them about how to make friends has been challenging, since a lot of the things I often suggest (e.g., attend various school-sponsored events for Freshman kickoff) aren’t happening this year. 
 
So, as with all things: know your child! But, take it a step further and know where your child is developmentally. What is it they would normally be doing socially? What are the normal expectations and rules for that developmental stage? Think about how things may be different right now, given the current circumstances of 2020. Don’t be afraid to share some of your epic social successes and failures with your kids- in a developmentally appropriate way, of course. Just don’t go too far with over-identifying with your kids- remember that you can’t really know what it’s like for them. But, you can use your own experiences to inform your perspective and foster empathy, to provide examples and to normalize their experiences. You can also talk with them about their social experiences so you have a better sense of what socializing and making friends are like from their perspective. By combining the information you get from your kids with what you’ve learned from your own past experiences, you’ll be better equipped to coach your kids the way they need you to.  

What friendship building stage is your kid at developmentally? Have some sage advice you've shared with your kids about social woes?   Leave a comment below, click this link or email us at [email protected].

Click here for a printable version of this post.
​​
As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look.​​​

Hi there! Lisa here. To continue our social relationships series, I’m going to talk about an important issue that your kids will encounter and that may not have even been on your radar – microaggressions. As your child’s relationship coach, it’s important that you understand what microaggressions are, how to talk with your kids about them, and how to help them cope when microaggressions happen. 
 
Not quite sure what microaggressions are? Have you ever left an interaction feeling like you were discriminated against, but you couldn’t point to the specific statement or behavior that made you feel that way? Or have you ever gotten the feeling that another person has reacted subtly but negatively to you based on your race, gender, disability, etc.? If so, you may have experienced a microaggression. 
 
Psychologist and researcher in the field of multicultural psychology, Derald Wing Sue, Ph.D. defines microaggressions as “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership. In many cases, these hidden messages may invalidate the group identity or experiential reality of target persons, demean them on a personal or group level, communicate they are lesser human beings, suggest they do not belong with the majority group, threaten and intimidate, or relegate them to inferior status and treatment.”

Microaggressions are often discussed in the context of race or ethnicity, but they frequently happen to people of anymarginalized group. The point of microaggressions is that they are subtle and often unintentional. They are very different from overt discrimination or hate speech. In many cases, the person is not necessarily aware that they are showing particular biases. Many microaggressions stem from subtle biases that we have been taught since birth and often seem like “just they way things are.” Their subtle nature makes microaggressions much more difficult to recognize and to confront. 
 
Some examples of verbal microaggressions include:

“What are you?” or “Where are you really from?”
“You’re good at math for a girl.”
“I couldn’t tell you were gay.”
“Can I touch your hair?”
Teaching your kids to be “color blind.”
 
Microaggressions are not just words- they are also apparent in behavior. Some examples include: 
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Talking loudly and slowly to someone who is blind.
Holding your purse close or locking your door when a person of color walks by
Excluding girls from a math- or science-based activity
Expecting the member of a marginalized group to speak on behalf of all members of their group 

Obviously, experiencing microaggressions has negative effects on an individual’s overall well-being. It’s also very difficult to know how to address microaggressions when you experience them. Many people struggle with deciding whether to even address the issue or to let it go. They may be unsure whether anything even happened or whether addressing the issue will backfire. When someone does choose to address a microaggression, it may be met with defensiveness, accusations of being oversensitive or misunderstanding the speaker. This is often (but not always) because the speaker does not realize that they have said something offensive and did not intend to degrade or marginalize another person. In fact, many microaggressions sound like compliments on the surface (e.g., “He’s very articulate,” or “You’re very pretty in an exotic way”), which makes it even more difficult to call attention to the fact that these kinds of comments are problematic.
 
If adults have such a hard time managing microaggressions, how can they help their kids? While it may not be comfortable to think about, your kids are going to experience microaggressions and at times, they may even commit them. It may be tempting to tell yourself that this is not an issue you or your kids will have to deal with because you’re not part of a marginalized group. In reality, many people experience microaggressions if they are part of a group that is not considered “mainstream.” Even if that doesn’t sound like you or your kids, learning about microaggressions will help you empathize with those who do experience them, and it will help you avoid committing them. 
 
Although dealing with bullies or overt hate speech can be tough, these issues may be pretty straightforward for many parents. Microaggressions, on the other hand, may feel less clear cut and it can be difficult to know how to help your kids with these issues. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you have these conversations with your kids:
 

• Educate yourself: It can be hard to detect the thoughts and beliefs that you have that might lead you to committing microaggressions. So, like everything else, you have to educate yourself. You may be surprised by the things that you have said or done that fall into the category of microaggressions. Don’t beat yourself up- just recognize it and then change your behavior. Remember, this is something that even well-intentioned people have been guilty of at some point. The only way to stop microaggressions is to understand your own beliefs and how they may influence the way you treat other people.

 

• Talk to your kids: There’s been a lot of focus this year on talking to your kids about race and racism. Those conversations need to continue, but so do conversations about other parts of your kids’ and other people’s identities. Helping your kids appreciate themselves for who they are and for all parts of their identities is critical. If your kids know and love who they are, it’s harder for the comments and actions of others to tear them down. In addition, if identity, culture, and overall self-concept are regular conversation topics, it will be easier to talk to your kids when they encounter microaggressions. If you’re unsure of where to start with these kinds of conversations, there are many children’s books out there that deal with microaggressions and subtle discrimination. Reading a book and then talking about it is a great way to get the larger conversation started. 

• Head microaggressions off at the pass: Kids as young as preschool age are able to understand the concept of microaggressions. In fact, young children are in a perfect position to learn about this. Kids in preschool and early elementary school spend a good amount of time learning lessons about how to treat other people. They understand that it’s not okay to make fun of people or to treat them badly just because they are different. Kids get the subtle things that people say and do that may signal a microaggression (e.g., not learning to pronounce someone’s name correctly; one kid getting into trouble for something and then another kid not getting into trouble for doing the same thing, etc.). 

 

• Teach your kids how to speak up for themselves: It’s not always necessary to confront microaggressions directly, particularly more subtle microaggressions. In fact, as I noted before, confronting microaggressions directly and/or with anger often backfires. Instead, teach your kids to respond calmly in a way that brings the speaker’s attention to the issue without being confrontational. For instance, if someone wants to give your child a nickname instead of learning how to correctly pronounce their name, they can say something like, “I don’t feel comfortable with a nickname. I’m happy to teach you to correctly pronounce my name.” It’s also important to talk with your kids about how to address microaggressions with adults versus with other kids, as they will have to take a different approach when talking with adults about offensive behavior. However, it’s important that your kids understand that no one- child or adult- is allowed to treat them as inferior. 

If you’d like to learn more about microaggressions, take a look at this short article by Dr. Derald Wing Sue.
https://www.uua.org/sites/live-new.uua.org/files/microaggressions_by_derald_wing_sue_ph.d._.pdf
 
Here’s a link to his bio on Psychology Today with additional resources to help you learn more about this and related topics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/derald-wing-sue-phd