Keep those lines of communication with your kids open- even when it's tough!
@nautilusbehavioral
Sarah here. “I’m bored” is one of my least favorite sentences in the universe. I don’t even understand the concept. As my own child can attest to, “That’s not a thing!” is my standard response to “I’m bored.” I mean…I could retire from work today and for the rest of my life, I could stay busy happily doing projects, fixing things, making things, and learning new stuff. I have a lot of hobbies and interests! I enjoy being on my own. As Lisa described in her blog last week (Who ARE These People?), introverts get recharged spending time on their own. I can do my crafts and hobbies with others…but I am also really, really happy doing things on my own. I just don’t understand the idea of being bored. That being said, I’m sure that at least 1 person in your home has said “I’m bored” over the past month and a half. And, I’m sure you may have felt annoyed, irritated, frustrated or even enraged by that sentence, given that you may be overwhelmingly busy from morning till night and may desperately need some time alone to decompress, take a break or (gasp!) enjoy a leisure activity. Or, you may find “I’m bored” maddening since you know your kids have many things they could do on their own! It’s vital that everyone at home who can occupy and entertain themselves on their own do so, at least sometimes. I’m not suggesting your 2-year-old spend an hour on her own unsupervised while you read a book. But I think it’s critical for kids and adults to be able to enjoy alone time. A lot of families struggle with the “boredom” issue. I certainly hear about it from parents of only children, but I’ve also heard this story from plenty of families with multiple kids. Oh- and just to dispel a common myth, not all only children expect others to entertain them. I should know, seeing as I’m an only child who has easily entertained myself since I was a little kid. 😄 Besides being annoying, why is being “bored” a problem? As Lisa mentioned last week, clashes at home can happen when family members have different interpersonal needs. If 1 of your kids enjoys spending downtime alone but your other child always wants to be with him, it can be a recipe for sibling conflict. Likewise, if you’re more of an introvert but have a child who thrives on spending time with others, you may be feeling a little…suffocated. But there’s another reason that being able to entertain one’s self is so important. Self-soothing is an important part of self-regulating our emotions and behavior. To calm ourselves down, we have to know what we enjoy and what helps us feel relaxed, happy, energized, etc. When we always rely on others to help us feel better emotionally, we don’t develop self-soothing skills. It’s really important for kids to be able to manage their own emotions! After all, you won’t always be able to help. Sometimes, your kids are going to have a hard time at school or out in the world. And, sometimes, they may be at home feeling bad, but you can’t help them…like when you’re leading a conference call. But in a bigger picture sense, helping your child develop self-soothing skills will ensure that (s)he can independently function as a successful adult. So, being able to cope with what life sends our way involves being able to entertain ourselves. And, being able to enjoy alone time can help minimize interpersonal conflict/tension and give family members much needed breathing room. Plus, having talents and hobbies can help us identify strengths and talents, develop relationships and overall, help us be well-rounded and interesting people. So, needing solo time at home doesn’t mean you’re a selfish monster or a mean mom. Solo time helps your kids grow up into awesome adults who enjoy time spent with others but who are also okay on their own. So, when your kids say, “I’m bored,” take a deep breath and give them the benefit of the doubt…the first time or 2. They may genuinely have a hard time figuring out what to do. Seriously. Knowing what their options are, thinking through how they want to use their time, choosing and initiating an activity…these are executive function skills your kids may still need help with. They also may still be figuring out what they like and what they’re good at. So, instead of boredom becoming a battle each and every time it comes up, help your kids generate boredom buster lists that you can refer them back to. Help them think about things they each enjoy doing. Be sure to keep track of activities that involve or require others on a separate group activity list. Make sure your kids have ideas for things they can do on their own. If they say they don’t enjoy doing anything on their own, I’d strongly encourage them to come up with some ideas unless they want to stare at the wall while the rest of the family is enjoying their solo time (be prepared to follow through on this if needed). Now, if your kids are like most kids these days, they enjoy playing video games, watching TV, movies and videos, listening to music and/or using apps during their free time. And, in general, it’s okay for kids to spend somedowntime using electronics. I mean, a couple of weeks ago (I Scream, You Scream, No Need to Scream Over the Screen (Time That Is…) blog post), I wrote about how your kids may have more screen time than usual right now, which is probably okay. The problem arises when downtime only involves electronics. If the only hobby your child has is playing video games, it’s time to diversify. From a stress management standpoint, it’s good to have multiple tools in the toolkit, to ensure they can deal with various things that may come up. Video games, TV, movies and videos, music, apps…these are great escape activities. They can be mindless fun and we may enjoy them with others. But these engaging activities help us cope largely through distraction. While various skills are needed to excel at playing video games (depending on the game), other electronics-based activities may not help us develop talents. So, instead of passively watching and listening, maybe your kids could actively do something. If you have a teen who loves watching anime, maybe it’s time to try drawing. If your tween loves music, maybe it’s time to pen lyrics or poetry. Help your crafty kid line up some projects. Jigsaw puzzles, building with Legos, imaginative play, coloring, photography, painting, reading, word or number games (e.g., word search, sudoku), solitaire…there are lots of activities to enjoy. Or, maybe your kids need some fresh air. Playing in the yard, gardening, going for a bike ride, fishing, practicing layups or becoming a master at cornhole…the options are limited by what’s feasible given your home environment, equipment and kids’ age, skill and maturity level. But seriously, there are lots of things kids can safely do on their own both inside and outdoors. For activities to make the boredom buster list, kids need to be reasonably able to do them alone. Learning a new skill can be a fun challenge (e.g., your teen daughter who has never made anything wants to knit a scarf), but if it requires more supervision and assistance, it won’t make a good solo activity for now. Some families enjoy doing parallel activities while others need to have physical distance from each other during their alone time. Either way, remember that everyone needs and deserves some time alone and your kids can and should know how to have fun on their own. Even if solo activities don’t become their preferred things to do, they’re important tools to have in their toolboxes. And remember to start small- even if everyone only spends 15 minutes a day on their own, that’s a great start! Reach out and share how you and yours make solo time happen by clicking this link or emailing us at [email protected].
Click here for a printable version of this post. As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look.
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“He won’t hang out with me!” “She won’t leave me alone!” “I can’t believe you ate the last of the trail mix! I wanted that!” “Everyone leave everyone else alone!” “I just need 5 minutes to myself!” Sound familiar? The physical distancing that has resulted from the COVID-19 pandemic has changed almost every aspect of our lives. Family dynamics are changing as family members are together more than ever before. You’re noticing things you really like about one another and learning new ways to relate. You’re also noticing things you don’t like so much and sometimes those things get blown way out of proportion. Even if you and your family have gotten into a pretty good daily rhythm, you’re probably still experiencing some personality clashes. Family members are arguing about little things and you find yourself trying to mediate conflicts about things that are, frankly, nonsense. You’ve probably had at least a few moments when you’ve asked yourself, “Who are these people?!” I was having a conversation with one of my great friends and we were talking about the biggest challenges her family is facing on a day-to-day basis. She brought up something that a lot of the families I work with are also facing- the mismatch in personalities in their homes. We’ve all heard of introverts and extroverts. Introverts get their energy from having time to themselves. They can be social and may enjoy being around other people, but that uses up a lot of their energy. They need time alone to recharge. Extroverts get their energy from interacting with other people. They can do things by themselves, but that feels taxing for them. They need to be around other people and have meaningful interactions. What happens when one of your kids is an introvert and the other is an extrovert? This is the situation my friend faces. When the kids were in school, the extrovert was surrounded by people all day and was able to interact with friends, teachers, and classmates. So, it wasn’t a big deal if his brother, who is more introverted, needed some alone time after school. But what happened once he couldn’t go to school? He started looking to family members to fill that role because they’re the only ones around. This has led to frequent frustration on the part of both siblings because one is seeking interaction and the other is seeking solitude. Another big issue is the fact that, as your kid’s world shrinks, small things become much more important. Remember the trail mix example at the beginning of this post? That was a real example my friend gave of an argument between her kids. Normally, this would have been a small annoyance that would have been easily dealt with because it doesn’t compare to the things that would have happened that day at school or during other activities. But, with nothing else going on, that trail mix became the thing her kids were ready to do battle over. Now, you are the one who has to mediate The Great Trail Mix Battle of 2020. You’ve also been in the house all day. Your world has also shrunk, your patience is wearing thin, and you can’t believe your kids are having yet another argument about something ridiculous. Then you realize they have eaten all the trail mix that you JUST BOUGHT TWO DAYS AGO!!! That’s when you lose it, they’re in trouble, and everyone’s miserable. Over trail mix. Guess what? It’s not really about the trail mix. It’s really about the clash between those personality differences and differences in the ways your family members handle stress. You’re all under stress and it’s affecting the way you relate to one another. So, how do you help everyone navigate these clashes? First, you need to recognize what each family member needs. You can hold a family meeting where everyone gets to share what they need/want from the other family members. You can also share your observations about the times various family members, including yourself, are more likely to have a hard time. For instance, after you’ve been on conference calls all day you may need some time to yourself. You’re much more likely to say “no” or “not right now” when your kid wants to talk or play a game at that moment. Things will go more smoothly, and your kid will be less likely to feel rejected if they know you need some time to yourself right after you finish working for the day. You can incorporate everyone’s needs into your daily routine. Have time during the day that’s designated as alone time for everyone and other time that’s designated as family time or time that your kids hang out with each other. Conflict is going to happen no matter how well everyone gets along. Just remember- some conflicts don’t require your intervention. Your kids can and will figure it out on their own. When you do need to get involved, here are some tips for helping calm things down:
Overall, open communication will help you and your family navigate the personality conflicts that arise as you spend more time together. By talking honestly about your needs and about what’s really going on, you and your family can be more understanding and compassionate toward each other, which will help you grow stronger together. Reach out and share how you're managing all the personalities in your home by clicking this link or emailing us at [email protected].
Click here for a printable version of this post. As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look. You’ve been spending more time with your kids than you ever have before. You’re getting a sense of how they function in various aspects of their lives, some of which you’ve only heard about secondhand from teachers, coaches, and other adults who work with your kids. Like many of the parents Sarah and I work with, you may be having some “aha” moments, where you realize why you’ve gotten certain feedback from other adults in your kid’s life. You may also be seeing things that have never been brought up before. You may be wondering why your normally independent kid needs so much supervision and encouragement while completing work or can’t seem to play alone. You may be dealing with meltdowns, often seemingly out of nowhere that throw you for a loop. You may have seen some posts or articles about families that have it all together during this time. They’ve figured out how to work from home at max productivity while also teaching their kids everything they’ll need to know by college graduation. Sure, these mythical unicorns may be out there somewhere, but for most families, this isn’t the case. Hopefully, you’ve also seen the many, many posts and articles from parents who are struggling to keep it all together and looking for creative ways to manage current challenges. As you teach your kids, you may be realizing that you have active, interested learners with unique and creative ways of looking at the world. On the other hand, you might be realizing that your kids struggle with learning, focus, or motivation. You may feel frustrated and worried that school time involves daily arguments or meltdowns. You might even be at the point where you just want to throw your hands up in the air and say, “Well, I tried. They’ll learn what they need to know when they go back to school.” But, when they go back to school, the problems you’ve seen at home are still going to be there. If your kids struggle to learn math or have difficulty paying attention for longer periods of time, that’s likely the case in the regular school environment. It’s not new and it’s not going away. Whether you’re their teacher or providing backup once school resumes, your kids need your support in order to be successful learners. “So, what do I do?” you ask. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do. The first and, in my opinion, the most important thing you can do is accept the kids you have. Yep, that’s right. This sounds simple and you may be rolling your eyes at me and thinking, “That’s not helpful. I already love my kids for who they are!” But, do you? 🤔 When your kids were on their way you had a picture in your mind of how it would be. You did. You’re human, it’s what we do. You pictured their personalities and how they would relate to you and to the world. I’m guessing your picture did not include learning difficulties, ADHD, behavior problems, or a general dislike of school and you didn’t imagine seeing these things from the frontline as your kids’ teacher. Unless you’re psychic or very, very lucky, the kids you have are different from the kids you pictured in your daydreams. Now, for the secret that no one has ever shared with you, the secret you’re afraid to admit to even to yourself. There’s a part of you that’s a little disappointed you didn’t get the kid you dreamed about. I’ve worked with a lot of families over the years and this is something that comes up over and over again, with most of the families I work with. And guess what? It’s okay to feel this way. Yes, I said it. It’s okay to acknowledge that things didn’t turn out the way you hoped. Think about it- in other areas of our lives, it’s okay to be a sad or disappointed when things don’t go the way you thought they would. Why should it be different when it comes to your kids? Feeling some disappointment that your daydream didn’t come true is not the same as saying that you don’t love or value your kids. But there is always some level of grieving when reality doesn’t match our daydreams or our plans. Let me give you an example that I hear all the time (names are completely made up). Natalie and Tom are both college-educated high achievers. They value working hard and getting things done. When they talk about their own childhoods, they recall being motivated, following the rules, and needing little prompting from adults to get things done. When Jennifer was born, they pictured her being the same way. That didn’t happen. Jennifer has trouble learning and doesn’t seem motivated for school. She has difficulty keeping up academically and needs lots of prompting to do her work. As she gets older, she doesn’t express an interest in college and her parents worry that she has no life goals. Natalie and Tom love Jennifer, but they have a hard time relating to her. They don’t understand why everything is a struggle and why she won’t just do her work and stay motivated without prompting. Does any of this sound familiar? Like Natalie and Tom, have you ever found yourself thinking or saying, “Why can’t you just…?” or “When I was a kid…”? Those are questions/comments born out of frustration and, yes, disappointed dreams of what it would be like to raise kids. So, what do you do? Allow yourself to grieve the fact that the kids you are not everything you dreamed they would be. And then you have to move on. There might be things about your kids that don’t fill you with joy but there are even more things that do, if you pay attention. Think about this: There’s no way you could possibly have imagined kids as amazing as the kids you were given. Feels good to think about that, doesn’t it? Part of your challenge, especially right now when you’re experiencing your kids in new, and often difficult, ways is looking past the things that are hard or not the way you thought they would be so you can see what’s great about your kids. Instead of wallowing in frustration that your kids can’t stay focused long enough to complete their math worksheets, notice that they learned to use fractions by helping you to make dinner or that their written, verbal and public speaking skills were strengthened when they put on a play in the backyard. Instead of getting angry that an assignment was not turned in, focus on the fact that your kid read an entire chapter book for the first time or that your older kid figured out how to code a video game. Here’s another side benefit to this time of experiencing your kids in all their glory- you get to see what their teachers see at school. If you use this time well, you can become a stronger advocate for your kids once they return to school. This version of homeschooling that everyone has been forced into allows for a unique perspective. You have the guidelines, lessons, and assignments from your child’s teacher, but you get to apply everything in the way that works best for your kids. In effect, you are in a position to provide the individualized instruction that is one of the goals of the education system. You get to see what works and what doesn’t work for your kids and you get to make whatever adjustments are needed in order for your kids to learn. So, as you go through this process, keep a list of the challenges and how you address them at home. If your kids have an IEP or 504 Plan (a plan that provides learning accommodations or specialized instruction), you can request changes based on what worked for you during this time. If your kids don’t already have a plan, you may be able to request one. At the very least, you’ll be able to have more informed conversations with your kids’ teachers and will be better able to evaluate teachers’ feedback based on what you saw while educating your kids at home. In a future post, I’ll go over specifics about advocating for your kids. For now, just pay attention to what works and what doesn’t work for your kids. And remember, they may not be exactly what you dreamed about, but your kids are probably better than any you could have imagined! Here are some leads on agencies that have websites and information about educating your kids during COVID-19, particularly if they have learning challenges:
Reach out and share the amazing things you've learned about your kids by clicking this link or emailing us at [email protected]. As a reminder, we have an amazing handout for families with information about COVID-19 that you may find helpful when speaking with your kids. Click here to take a look. |
Welcome!Feel free to peruse our blog and see what Sarah and Lisa had to say about topics related to your needs as a busy parent. We will talk about everything from parenting values, to life hacks, to realistic self-care. Archives
August 2023
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Conveniently located in Mandarin
Serving Duval, St. Johns and the surrounding counties |
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Address12412 San Jose Blvd.
Suite 203 Jacksonville, FL 32223 |
Telephone904-432-3321
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