​Sarah here. In our little corner of the world, summertime is officially here. The sun, humidity and mosquitoes are out in full force and the days are long (like it doesn’t get dark till after 9 PM long). These long days equal lots of free time for your kids, who may or may not be participating in camp or structured activities this year. So…when we (as people) have tons of free time, what do we do? Well…based on the images and videos that have popped up on the internet, I’m going to say that even adults start to go a little stir-crazy. 

The amount of creativity, visual-spatial reasoning and fine motor control needed to create these masterpieces is mindboggling! In all seriousness, when people have time on their hands, they may pursue old hobbies or forge into new territory. Summer is a great time for branching out. Just like it takes a long time for a tree to grow from a seed, it takes a lot of time and effort to learn new things. And, just like every seed doesn’t grow into a tree, every avenue we pursue doesn’t result in success. 
 
As my husband jokingly told me yearsago when I artlessly arranged a bouquet, “Well…you’re good at so many things…it makes sense that you’ve tapped out.” I’m awesome at a lot of things, but he’s right- floral arrangement isn’t one of my special talents. But I gave it a shot, had fun and enjoyed my vase of flowers, which was far from perfect. I also figured out what didn’t work, so I did things a little differently the next time. We aren’t great at everything we set out to do but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set out to do great things. So, this summer while your kids are at home, help them learn that failure isn’t the end of the world.
 
As I’ve mentioned before, I am an avid hobbyist. During and since quarantine, I’ve completed a lot of projects. Some—like assembling puzzles—are things that I’m great at. Other projects—like making friendship bracelets—required me to take the basic skills I had and build on them to really step up my game. And some projects—like weaving bags on a lap loom—were new to me and required hours of research, reading, learning and practice. 
 
Why the heck am I talking with you about crafting? Part of being a crafter is having patience and accepting the inevitability that I will mess up. I will need to fix things and may need to start over…maybe more than once. I don’t like making mistakes and the learning process can be infuriating. But I love making and since mistakes are part of the process, I expect to be imperfect. I’m okay with making mistakes. After all, failure is how we learn. 

One thing I see all the time in my patients is fear of failure. Not that fear of failure is always bad. There’s the fear that can motivate people to work harder- like when they know they have to give a presentation in front of class and they work hard to prepare and practice, so they will do well and won’t embarrass themselves in front of their classmates. But there’s also the fear that gets people to quit before they even get started. That fear is the one that’s problematic.
 
I work with so many talented, bright, amazing kids, teens and young adults who are great at so many things. But that kind of success can create an unhelpfulfear of failure. Especially when kids get so much praise and reinforcement for being “so ________” (fill in the blank with smart, athletic, creative, etc.) or being “so great at ________” (fill in the blank with school, soccer, swimming, singing, playing the flute, etc.). 
 
I’m not saying you shouldn’t praise your kids for their successes! It’s important for all of us to know what we’re good at. Plus, recognition feels good! It’s just that when things come easily (as with natural talents and skills) and kids only get praised for successful outcomes instead of the effort, the process, or the learning that took place, then they don’t actually know how to deal with failure when it inevitably happens. Failure becomes threatening so kids avoid branching out or quit once activities become more challenging. Also, kids sometimes can’t manage the idea that there are people out there who are better than they are at their special talents. Not being “the best” becomes a threat that can lead to unhelpful avoidance or becoming overly competitive.
 
I return again to crafting. It took me years to stop avoiding my sewing machine and I did so only after a few false starts involving me mucking up royally, becoming exasperated and announcing that I couldn’t do it. I’ve definitely had some humbling life experiences with sewing. I “made a blanket for my daughter” (i.e., sewed a satin binding onto a piece of flannel fabric) under the tutelage of my mother, mother-in-law and a friend. I finished my very simple project alongside prolific women who were quilting, crafting zippered purses and custom designing clothing. I will never be the quilter or seamstress that the other ladies are. Sewing didn’t come naturally or easily for me. I worked very hard for a modest outcome. And, I’m proud of myself for sticking with it, conquering my fear of the sewing machine and making something my daughter enjoys. 
 
So, this summer, why not lead by example? Brush off an old hobby or take up a new one. Model what learning actually looks like for your kids. Show them that it’s okay if learning isn’t a linear, easy process. Let them see you be proud of an imperfect product. It’s okay if you get frustrated- show your kids how to work through it. Demonstrate that it’s okay to take a break, regroup and then return to something later. Help them see that progress can be incredibly rewarding, so they stop stressing so much about perfection. Encourage your kids to pursue new skills this summer. Right now, things are pretty low stakes and there isn’t a lot of “pressure” to succeed. It’s okay if all of their efforts don’t all pan out. We don’t have to wipe those experiences under the rug. No one is great at everything. And, there’s always someone better. But, by focusing on their growth, we encourage kids to become lifelong learners who are always up for a challenge.  

​Hello my lovelies! Today’s post is going to be short and sweet. We’re all living in a world that feels pretty uncertain and we’re having to make up a lot as we go. If we’re having trouble adjusting as adults, just think about how tough it might be for your kids. They have a lot less control over their world and that sometimes makes it harder for them to understand everything that’s going on in the world. 
 
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably found yourself fielding a lot of questions about why things are the way they are and when they’re going to “get back to normal.” I’m guessing you’ve handled many questions well and have been able to give your kids answers. 
 
But what happens when you don’t know the answer? When your kids ask if/when they’re going back to school, when they’ll be able to be with their friends again, when they’ll be able to return to sports/activities that have been cancelled or changed, or when the family vacation will happen, you may not be able to give them an answer. What about when they ask you if they’ll get sick like so many other people or whether the things they see/hear on the news will happen to them or their loved ones?

​Remind yourself that, realistically, it’s not possible for you to be able to answer all your kids’ what if/why/when/how questions. So the good news is that you’ve already had experience with this. Kids are really good at asking questions we don’t know the answers to or things we aren’t ready or aren’t sure how to talk about. 
 
Here are some other tips for talking to your kids when things are uncertain:

1. Be honest – Don’t try to make something up because you think it will make youre kids feel better/worry less. Kids know when we’re not being honest with them or when we’re holding something back. If you’re going to answer their questions, be honest with your answers, even if the answer is that you’re not sure. 
2. Be developmentally appropriate – Give your kids the information they can handle at their developmental level. Explain things in a way that helps them grasp the important information without overloading them with details they either don’t need or won’t fully understand. If you’re not sure how to talk to them about a particular subject, it’s okay to tell them you need to look up some information and then you’ll talk with them about it later. But remember, if you say you’re giong to talk to them about it later, you have to follow through!
3. Be mindful of timing – Think about when your kids need particular information. If they’re asking about something months in advance, you don’t need to give them any definite answers right now. You can let them know that it’s too soon to know or that you have to wait a few weeks/months before you’ll have the answer to that question. Your kids may not like this response, but it’s the honest one and it keeps you from providing misinformation or promising something that won’t happen. Also, sometimes kids don’t even need the information until closer to the event, particulalry if it’s something that will cause them increased anxiety. 
4. Only express certainty when you’re certain – Don’t make promises you aren’t sure you can keep. Many of the questions your kids have are aboout things that are out of your control, so you can’t be certain about how those things will go (e.g., plans for returning to school). Sometimes kids are very persistent and keep asking until you tell them what they want to hear. Beware of this- it’s a trap! If you put something out there as a done deal, your kids will expect it to happen. If it doesn’t, trust will be damaged and you’ll be digging yourself out of a hole with your kids. If persistent questioning happens, this may signal that it’s time to have a direct conversation with your kids about dealing with uncertainty and coping with the associated anxiety.
5. Show empathy – Remind yourself that it’s difficult for kids to manage uncertainty. Just like you struggle when things are up in the air, so do they. Allow them space to talk about their anxiety/frustration/disappointment/etc. about the fact that life is unsettled right now and it’s unclear what the future holds.  
6. Focus on the present – Talking about the future is necessary, but we have to live in the present. This is especially important when there is so much turmoil in the world. Talk with your kids about their concerns, then help them refocus on the present moment. Let them know that they are safe and well. Talk with them about plans and safeguards you have in place. Help them use coping skills in the moment when worries about the future become overwhelming. 

 
Most importantly, it’s okay to say “I don’t know.” That’s a perfectly acceptable answer when you truly don’t know. Then, talk with your kids about your plans for either figuiring out the answers or coping with the stress of “wait and see.” It can be tough not to have all the answers, but your kids will benefit from watching how you use positive coping skills and from talking with you about how to manage uncertainty. 

Welcome back! We hope last week’s blog was helpful and gave you some action steps that you and your family can take. This week we’re talking about something that’s been coming up for several of the families that Sarah and I work with- young adult children who unexpectedly had to come back home because of COVID-19. Most of them returned home from college after their dorms closed. Some returned home to save money while they looked for work or worked from home. While many parents are happy to have their kids at home, it hasn’t been all smooth sailing. We’ve heard from parents and their young adult kids about the difficulties they’ve been having with this situation. 
 
From the parents’ perspective, we’ve heard things like, “I’m just trying to help,” “I don’t know why they’re not more motivated,” and “Why aren’t they doing what I say?”
 
From the young adults’ perspective, we’ve heard things like, “I know what I’m doing,” “They never listen to me,” and “Why are they telling me what to do?”
 
Back in August or September, you were expecting your young adult to be away at school and only home for breaks and random weekends. Even if they were living with you and commuting to school, they still spent the majority of their day away from you and may even have spent nights on campus with friends. For some of you, your high school graduates may have moved out on their own to work. Or maybe you have college grads who moved out of town or even out of state to pursue a job or graduate program. In any case, you and your young adult were both adjusting to their newfound freedom- they were on their own and setting their own course. They may have called you for advice (or you may have called them to give it ), but mostly they were learning how to be on their own. 
 
Then COVID-19 hit and your young adult is back at home along with the rest of the family. Everyone is faced with uncertainty about whether/when they will return to school or work and you have a young adult back under your roof when you least expected it. 
 
So, how are you handling it? If you’re like the parents Sarah and I work with, you’ve had at least a few moments of friction. 

​It can be hard to balance your parenting insticts with your young adult’s need to be independent and make their own decisions. One reason for these struggles is the fact that most of your young adult’s growing and maturing is now being done out of your sight. Throughout childhood and adolescence, you observed small, gradual changes in your child as they got older, so you had time to get used to it. But, once they left your home, they continued growing and changing- you just weren’t there to see it happen. When they come back home, it can be hard to reconcile the new, more adult version of your child with the child who last lived in your home. Even if they’ve only been gone for a few months, the changes can take some getting used to. 
 
The biggest point sticking point that comes up is likely your young adult feeling like you are “bossing them around.” Well, the last time they lived with you full time you were the boss- you made the rules and they had to answer to you. But they’ve gotten used to being on their own and making decisions for themselves. They’ve been coming and going as they please, creating their own schedules, and not asking permission to do things. Now, they’re unexpectedly back at home and it’s so easy for you to fall back into your old parent-child dynamics. 
 
So, what do you do? It’s important to remember that your child is not a child anymore. While they may not be ready to be completely independent, they are making their own decisions (and facing the consequences of those decisions). It is critical that this continue. Yes, they’ve come up with some routines and habits that may be different from what you taught them. They may do things differently than you think they should be done. That doesn’t mean their way is the wrong way to do things. 
 
One approach you and your young adult child may take is to act like they’re still away. It’s not that they can treat your home like a hotel- you still set general house rules and expectations for how family members participate in taking care of your home and each other. For instance, everyone may be responsible for keeping the common areas neat and keeping their bedrooms free of food trash, etc., but you don’t get to decide on the level of neatness of your young adult’s bedroom. Decide on household responsibilities, like who does the young adult’s laundry, meal planning, chipping in with household expenses, things like that. It’s also okay to ask young adults to help out with younger siblings, but keep in mind that they still have their own stuff going on in their lives- school, work, other responsibilities. So, they’re not always going to be able to drop everything to help out. Remember, they’re not even supposed to be at home right now, so consider what you would do if they weren’t home. 
 
COVID-19 throws a wrench into things because you may still be limiting how much interaction with the outside world your family is having. You still get to set the rules about how you’re managing COVID-19-related safety and health concerns during this time. It’s reasonable that anyone staying in your home follow the safety rules. However, it’s okay to listen to your young adult’s opinions on this matter. Also, if they are working or have reasons to interact with people outside the home, have a conversation about your comfort level with health and safety behaivors when they’re not at home. However, it’s important to frame this in terms of your concern about the health and safety of everyone in the house, not as a parent telling a child what to do.
 
Overall, it’s important to give your young adult the leeway to make decisions about how they spend their time, the schedule they set, and the other daily decisions they were making when they weren’t living at home. You can give some input if you see them veering way off path (sleeping all day, blowing off assignments, missing work), but otherwise give them enough room to make their own choices and experience the consequences of those decisions. 

One thing that often comes up is the tension created when you are paying for your child’s education and you see them showing less dedication to their schoolwork than you would like. Here’s the thing- while they were away at school, did you see them sleeping late or procrastinating? Did you call them every day to make sure they did their homework? I’m guessing not. They developed their own habits while they were away. If their grades were reasonable and they were making progress in their education, do they have to go about it the way you think they should? Resist the urge to micromanage. Your young adult needs support, not management.
 
As stressful as having your young adult home for the forseeable future can be, this is a great time to get to know your child as the young adult they are becoming. As such, it’s important to avoid treating them like the child they used to be. Remember, your child has to respect you and your home regardless of how old they are, but they’re right- you’re not the boss of them anymore. It can be a tough pill to swallow, but giving your young adult enough room to still be independent will benefit your relationship and your young adult’s development in the long run.