Lisa here. This week, I’m talking about a topic that comes up often but frequently seems to throw parents for a loop- your kids’ friends. Every parent wants their kids to have healthy, happy friendships. You want your kids to be good to their friends and to have friends who are good to them. But what happens when your kids have friends who are, shall we say, problematic? That’s when talking to your kids about their friends can become very complicated.

​Problematic friendships can mean a lot of things. Sometimes kids make friends with other kids who are mean to them or who are a bad influence. But sometimes it’s more subtle. You may notice that every time your child hangs out with their best friend, them become surly or start giving you attitude when they usually don’t. Or maybe they ignore their siblings or are mean to them when their friends are around. 

As a parent, you may struggle to figure out how to have productive conversations about problematic friendships. Do any of these phrases sound familiar?

• “Just because your friends are all doing something, doesn’t mean you need to do it too.”
• “You need to stop hanging out with them.”
• “That kid is not really your friend.”
• “I don’t like how you act when you’ve been with that friend.”
• “You don’t need to keep hanging out with them. You won’t even be friends with these people in a few years.”

If you’ve found yourself saying any of these things, you’ve probably also seen your kids roll their eyes, give you a blank look, or agree to your face and then turn around and go play with that same friend. So, why don’t these statements make a difference?
 
It’s because you decided for your kids who their friends should be. This does not work! Yes, there are times when you have to put your foot down about someone your kids are spending time with, but in most cases, your kids will feel defensive and will disregard any statements that feel judgmental or like you are trying to pick their friends. 
 
So, what do you say instead? Instead of giving your opinion about their friends and telling them what to do, have a conversation with your kids. In therapy, Sarah and I often help kids and teens clarify the kinds of friendships they want and how they want their friends to treat them. We then help them identify which friendships already have those characteristics and which do not. When they identify the problem areas in their friendships themselves, they’re more likely to make different choices about who they pick as friends. As parents, you can ask these kinds of questions too. The key is not to jump in and point out which friendships are falling short. Let your kids come to their own conclusions. 

​Once kids realize that a friendship is not healthy for them, they may not know how to exit or change the friendship. Notice I said they may just need to change the friendship. Just because some aspects of a relationship aren’t great doesn’t mean your kids need to scrap the friendship entirely. Think about kids who always get into arguments when they play together for too long. That pattern doesn’t mean they shouldn’t play together anymore; it just means they need shorter playdates. For the kid whose friend says mean things to them, coach them on having a conversation with their friend first and then seeing if the behavior changes. If things don’t change, then they’ll likely need to end the friendship. 
 
If your kids do need to exit a friendship, they may need help figuring out how to do this. Sometimes, just drifting apart will work- if your kids make themselves less available, they can ease their way out of a friendship. You can also help your kids address problems with friends in the moment. If your teen is with a friend who is being hurtful, they can let the friend know they don’t appreciate what they’re saying and then they can come home. Over time, the friend will either change their behavior or will realize why your teen doesn’t want to hang out. 
 
As you likely know, drifting apart will sometimes be impossible. So, it’s important to talk to your kids about how to have difficult conversations with their friends. You can coach them on how to express their feelings about what’s been going on in a friendship and why it needs to end.
 
Although friends have a bigger influence as your kids get older, you don’t become irrelevant. Conversations around values and what’s important in your family are still important. For instance, if one of your kids ignores or is mean to their siblings when their friends are around, you need to have direct conversations about this behavior. Having general conversations at other times about the importance of family and of siblings sticking by each other will help counteract that tendency to turn on each other when friends are around.  

​Remember that just because your kids realize that some of their friends may not be good for them does not mean that they will immediately cut off all those friendships. They may need a little time to end or change problematic friendships. As long as nothing dangerous or abusive is going on, you can give them some time to make some new, healthier choices. No matter what, remember that your kids’ friendships are important to them. If you approach conversations about friendships with openness and respect for your child’s perspective, these conversations will go much more smoothly. 

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Sarah here. We’re continuing our mini-series on challenging conversations. Last week, Lisa focused on talking with your kids about their medical, mental health and/or learning diagnoses. I’m focusing on a related topic that parents often struggle with- talking with their kids about taking their routine medication.  

To be clear, parents often talk with their kids about taking their medicine. They prompt them to take it. They remind them to take it. They hand them their medication. They may even get into arguments with their kids over medication. So, the issue here isn’t that parents avoid talking with their kids about their medicine altogether. It’s that in the midst of these everyday communications about medication, parents often don’t have more meaningful conversations about medication with their kids. And sometimes those are the conversations that are most needed, especially if your child is struggling with their medication adherence.
 
So, what should you talk about when it comes to medication? Here are some questions you may want to touch on:

• What’s your child’s understanding of why they take their medication?
• What does your child think their medication does?
• How do they think their medication helps them?
• How does your child feel when they take their medication?
• Does your child feel there any drawbacks to them taking their medication?
• Does your child think they need to take this medication?

 
Having calm and open conversations with your child about their understanding and experience of their medication can help clarify misunderstandings so you can make sure your child has accurate information. It will also give you valuable information about your child’s perspective, which may shed light on any medication adherence struggles that they’re having.

Providing a safe space for your child to talk about their feelings about taking medication is important for helping them feel more empowered in their own treatment. Remember to share key information with your child’s medical provider and encourage your child to participate in that conversation as well. Encourage your child to share information or concerns and to ask questions when meeting with their providers. Doing so will help your child learn self-advocacy skills and will encourage them to be actively engaged in their own healthcare! And those skills will serve them well long after you’re no longer overseeing their medication.

Lisa here. Last week, Sarah introduced our new mini-series where we give tips for talking to your kids about sensitive topics. One of the subjects that often comes up for parents is how to talk to their kids about their medical, psychological, or learning disorder diagnosis. Most parents feel a mix of emotions upon learning their child’s diagnosis – relief at finally getting answers, worry about treatment and prognosis, hopes and fears about the future, etc. In the mix with all these emotions are thoughts about how to explain things to their child. What to tell them, how much to explain, when to tell them, or even whether they should tell them anything at all are decisions parents have to make at the time of diagnosis.
 
I have worked with many parents who have struggled with what to tell their kids about their diagnosis. This comes up frequently when I evaluate a child for ADHD or for a learning disorder. Some parents’ initial instinct is to tell their child nothing. Other parents want to tell their child something but have no idea what to say. 

Here are some general tips I give to the parents who want to say nothing:
 

• It’s better to tell your child the truth than to say nothing or make up something that you will have to come clean about later. Many parents work from the ignorance is bliss theory when comes to sharing information with their kids. But your child already knows something is wrong. After all, why else did they have to see all those doctors, have all those procedures, or sit through hours of testing? Your kids know when they don’t feel well or when they are struggling to learn. Having no name for what’s going on makes it scarier and harder for them to deal with.
• Related to the first point, if you don’t give your kids an explanation, they are likely to come up with something way worse than the reality. If your child has a medical issue, they may think they’re dying. If they have a learning issue, they may think they’re incapable of learning anything or that they will be a failure. In the absence of information from you, are going to come up with an explanation and they will operate based on that story.
• Even very young children can understand at least the basics of their condition. In fact, they often handle the news better than you think they will (or sometimes, even better than you did). 
• Your child’s diagnosis is theirs. Even though as their parents, you have the rights to their medical, psychological, and educational information, their diagnosis is something they will have to learn to cope with and manage, potentially for their whole lives. When they know what’s going on, they can take ownership. It’s a lot easier to get a child to engage in treatment or learn strategies when they know why they’re doing it. 
• Most importantly, when you have a matter-of-fact conversation with your child about their diagnosis, they learn that it’s not something scary or secretive. Like Sarah said last week, they learn that they can talk to you and ask questions and they’re not left to figure things out on their own. 

Once parents are ready to talk with their kids about their diagnosis, here’s what I tell them:
 

• Make sure you’re clear on the diagnosis and at least the basics of what it is and what it means for your child’s daily life. 
• When you are ready to have the conversation, make sure you are calm and can discuss things in a matter-of-fact way.
• Tell your child the name of the diagnosis. It’s not a secret and it doesn’t have to be scary. Remember, you will be giving them other information, like explaining the symptoms they have that fit the diagnosis, treatment options, and encouragement about their ability to cope with their symptoms. 
• Keep information developmentally appropriate. For instance, your 4-year-old doesn’t need to know all the ins and out about ADHD. Telling them what it’s called and that it’s the reason they have a hard time sitting still and getting their work done at school is a great start. A 15-year-old is going to need more information and will likely have more sophisticated questions. You know your child. Present the information in the way you know they have the best chance of understanding. 
• Be prepared to have more than one conversation. You do not need to give all the information at once. Also, your child will have questions later. As they get older and symptoms or treatments change, you’ll need to talk about that. 
• It’s ok not to have all the answers. If your child has questions that you’re not sure how to answer, write them down. At your child’s next appointment, encourage them to ask those questions. If you don’t have an appointment scheduled, most providers are open to making an appointment to talk with your child and answer follow-up questions. 
• Be honest. Even if some of the information you must share is stressful or sad, being up front about it builds trust between you and your child and confirms that you are a source of support for them.